Walls

I am trapped behind these walls in a world where things aren’t really what we know them to be. Things I’m taught to be true aren’t always true. I’m learning that the world is not how they said it would be. I am constantly confused by this world and the emotions that I feel. I’m not the easiest person to get through to. I would say that it comes from the years of not being able to trust anyone. The places that I’ve been nobody wants to see. That is why I run alone on this road called life and carry my burdens alone in spite. I’ve always been alone, felt alone and then you come along and you want me to stop this race and walk beside you. I could never give my all to you, because that would involve trust which is something I can’t do. Well I won’t say I can’t but it’s just so hard for me to do! I’ve been through so much before and I don’t want to get hurt again! So I keep all my feelings inside and hide the way I really feel. Now I’m by no means perfect and I don’t claim to be, I have made many mistakes. I don’t want to end up looking like a fool so I do what I do, act cold and hard to keep you and my heart far apart. I want to let go, but I’m afraid I’ll lose control. So if I let go will you catch me when I fall? Or will you do nothing at all. Hell I’m so confused I don’t know what I want or what to do. I’m always thinking and second guessing myself…and u! I’ve been waiting for so long for someone to come along and now I feel like I’m going to mess things up. I can’t help how I feel. I try and I try to get these thoughts out of my mind but they are only suppressed and end up resurfacing eventually. I know it’s not your fault but you have to understand that I am a product of my environment and I only know what I’ve been through. I get irritated easily and sometimes I don’t know why. Can you handle that? Sometimes I try to push you away just to see if you’ll stay. I wonder if you feel like I’m worth it all. Someone said that we build up our walls to see who’s willing to knock them down. Here is my wall….What’s your move?

If I have not hope, what do We have?

We, the citizens of the United States, are on the brink of one of the most important days in election history…Super Tuesday, a day when millions of people from over 20 states go to their polling places to vote for who they think should receive the nomination for President from their respective parties. We, the “no vote generation,” have an opportunity that most of us never dreamt that we would ever have. The opportunity to make our mark on history stands before us. What will you do? Will you cower down because this great opportunity seems bigger than us? Or will you stand toe to toe with opportunity, facing it head on and prove the statistics wrong? My suggestion is that you do the latter.For the first time in the history of this great country, we have a woman and an African-American man vying for the democratic nomination for president. Personally, I never thought that I would see this day, but I thank God that this monumental day is upon us and that I will serve witness to it.I am writing to encourage you to vote on Tuesday. I am writing to ask that you have your voice heard. I am writing to engage you in this presidential election. After all, we are the generation who will inherit everything that our predecessors will leave behind for us. Whether it be diamonds or rocks, it will be ours to claim. With that being said, I have a question to pose. What will we inherit? A never-ending war, billions/trillions of dollars in national debt, decreasing availability of social security, diminishing value in education, increasing poverty in one of the richest countries in the world, and dwindling hope. What will we inherit? As for me, I want to inherit hope, change, a progressive legislature. I want to place my faith back into the American government. I want to inherit a government where politicians care more about the constituents who elected them than the corporations, interest groups, and lobbyists that only has an interest in deepening their already fat pockets. I wan to inherit a government where we stand united behind our fearless leader.Which candidate will leave us with the most valuable inheritance? Two words-Barack Obama. With endorsements from heavyweights such as; Oprah Winfrey, Caroline Kennedy, John Kerry, and Kerry Washington, I’m sure that my supporting Senator Obama is small in comparison. But I would like to take this moment of privilege and ask that you also support Senator Barack Obama in his quest to change the world. Don’t vote for Barack because he is black. Vote for him because he is the best person for the job. Don’t vote for Barack because someone has endorsed him. Vote for him because your views and his views on the way things should be are closely innertwined. Don’t vote for Barack because he will make history as the first African-American President. Vote for him because he will make history as the first president that will bring about a much needed change in government that we can be proud of. Don’t vote for Barack because you love his wife Michelle. Vote for him because he was smart enough to marry a wonderful woman like her and behind every great man there is a great woman. Vote for him because his wife is so eloquent and intelligent that she moves crowds with the first breath she takes in to describe her husband. Don’t vote for Barack because he would be a great symbol of how far our nation has come. Vote for Barack because he would represent how far our nation still has to go and because he is the man to lead us on that journey. Vote for Barack because he has an insatiable appetite for a better America. Most importantly, Vote. Whether it be for Obama, Clinton, Huckabee, McCain, or Romney; Vote. This man gives us hope that tomorrow brings a better day, a brighter day where change is the catalyst for a new beginning. What do we have if there is no hope? Where would we be as a nation if it had not been for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream? Have we gotten so far away from what is important that we fail to realize the relationship of hope and faith to greatness?

I Resolve

I resolve ...to be a more obedient and faithful child of God. To study His word and grow closer in my relationship with Him.

I resolve...to be a better daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend, and companion. I often think about how my family and friends would be if everyone was just like me. That thought alone makes me strive to be a better person.

I resolve...to get educated. My degree will be complete in 2010.

I resolve...to live for me and to put my happiness at the top of my list of priorities. Most of the time I've lived my life in a way that pleases others and makes them happy. 2008 will be a year of self-fulfillment and happiness. I'm living my life for PAM because in the end I'm the one who has to live with it.

I resolve...to lose 40 pounds. I'm about to be the Maid of Honor in a very special wedding in less than 6 months. Got to regain and preserve my sexy...Get it right, get it tight.

I resolve...to love hard, laugh more, dance like no one is watching, work like I don't need the money, and cry more. I try to be tough, but sometimes my soul needs cleansing and a good cry will do just the trick.

I resolve...to give more and receive less.

I resolve...to either make it work or let it go. Lord knows I want to make it work though.

I resolve...to love myself first. It's going to be really hard for anyone else to love me if I don't love me first.

Tensions....How Funny!

1.) Eating out of a plate + Leaving plate on table for four to five days = Tension

2.) Saying you're gonna do something + Not doing what you said you were gonna do = Tension

3.) Me cleaning + You sitting on your ass watching = Major Tension

4.) I'm right and know I'm right + Someone telling me I'm wrong when I'm proven right = Double Tension

5.) Trying to please someone + Major attitude = Triple Tension

6.) Studying for hours + Things on test that hasn't been covered = Tension out of my Ass!

7.) Coupons for Dillard's + No Sale = Tension

8.) Cell phones + $300 phone bill = Once again, tension out of my ASS!!! Damn AT&T. What happened to Cingular and the fewest dropped calls in the nation. The nation needs to get their shit together!

Writing Prompt---Describe losing somebody or something that you cared about very much.

At the young age of 6, i lost my only grandmother because the other grandmother had died four months prior to my birth. But being around the grandmother that I did know of bought such joy. The smell of her good fried chicken and mashed potatoes still lingers in my nose but the taste is absent. I would come home after shcool and tell grandma about what happened in my class that day, and she would just sit and listen to all of the stories that I would tell. Every time she would be in "aw" because I remember her telling me I would be an English teacher one day just like my aunt because I used words and phrases that a 6 year old wouldn't use or know how to spell. That's becasue I had older parents and I would always listen to their conversations even wen they told me to stay in a child's place. YEAH RIGHT! I was born in the "known" like my grandmother and mother always told me. I believe it...lol.
But do I remember a lot about my grandma. W enever fought nor argued. I hated that i couldn't bring my grandmother back. Her laying in that white and gold casket was the most terrible scene I'd ever seen in my life. I still remember my grandmother and I just wish I had the power and strength to bring back Mrs. Magnolia Cole Perry Winston to life...Love you, G-Mama!

Random Thoughts

My eyes burn from the chlorine I swam in two hours ago. Hell, it feels like FIRE! Never will I get in the Forrest City swimming pool again. Maybe I should try asking myself a lot more questions before I do something so ridiculous like not wearing my goggles. How could I forget the goggles? Maybe if my mother wasn't trying to get me to model my pink and yellow swimsuit before I left the house I wouldn't have forgot them. Now, my eyes are lit up like fire from the pits of hell. Man, it's burning like FIRE!
Somedays I look at myself in the mirror and I think that I'm America's Next Top Model. Do I have anything on Tyra Banks. And I answer that with a HELL YEAH!!!! I'm hotter than Tyra. I'm so hot, I have FIRE coming out of my ass! What more could the world ask for out of a future model. Wait til I lose about 30 more pounds, but I'll still be America's Next Top PLUS-SIZE Model. Tyra ain't got nothing on this fiery chick. Big girls let's not talk about the skinny heffas to the bottom of our list. They can't compare.

Episodic Memories...LOL!!!

• Dad dropping me off at preschool
• Talking with grandma
• Choking grandma's baby chicks
• Stealing $100 that was for the light bill
• Almost getting hit by a black cadillac when I was 5
• Getting stuck on the monkey bars
• Getting 3 whoopings in one day
• Having my 2nd birthday bash
• Getting a lot of things for Christmas
• Kissing a boy in the closet in Kindergarten
• Being teacher's pet every school day of my life
• Getting in trouble for calling my brother a bastard
• Going to FunFest every summer
• Being spoiled by mommy
• Crying because my father told me I wasn't his child
• Mama and daddy fighting
• Relocating for two days because of the fight
• Daddy shooting at my brother
• Getting all A's in school
• My first fight in the 9th grade
• The positions I held in high school
• Cheerleading
• Going to my grandma's funeral and being the last person to see her